Another part of who i am is my history with selfharm. I’ve been dealing with selfharm ever since i got raped by my first ex boyfriend when i was 15. I didn’t feel like i was ready for sex yet but he did apparantly, i never openly talked about this so writing it on here is a big step even though no one will probably read it.
So anyway, after that happened i broke up with him but he had always made me feel as if it was my own fault and as if i asked for it with how i looked and the way i dressed. Keep in mind that this was after i was already dealing with my eating disorder which i briefly discussed in my last post. He had always made me feel that i was the one to blame for this and i started believing it myself, to this day i still haven’t talked to anyone but one person about this. After he had me believing that it was all my fault i started hating myself even more and i started looking for ways to get the pain i felt out of my head, i hated the mental struggles that came with it. This all resulted in me starting to bruise myself on purpose, i’d purposely fall down the stairs, or i’d just pich myself till it started to get bruised. After a while this wasn’t enough anymore and i started scratching myself till i bled until this ressorted in me grabbing blades to cut myself.
I always used to cut on my legs, really high up so you couldn’t see it even if i’d wear shorts or a skirt. When i first started when i was 15 they were really tiny cuts that barely bled. Once i got with my last ex i stopped with both bad habits and everything was okay for the next 4 years until my dad died. In that period i also got a tattoo in honor of me stopping my selfharm. Once my dad died the urges to start cutting again came back and i dealt with it by getting another tattoo in honour of him, i’ll talk about him in another upcoming post. After i broke up with my ex i spiraled down again into a really black pair of months. During about 4 months i started cutting again and way worse than in the beginning, at first i just cut on my legs but that later evolved into me also cutting on my arms and ankles.
So at first i just cut on my legs, but off course the more i cut the less it was doing for me, or at at least it didn’t on my legs anymore which is why i started cutting on my arms at first. One night i was cutting my legs and it was quite a deep one and i just loved the way the blood looked while it was seeping down. But it also scared me because i barely felt it, so i suddenly decided to switch onto my arms at first just a few small ones on my wrist, then i moved up my arms and made some deeper ones which are still visible up to this day, almost 6 months later. My ankles came after that, i started hiding my blade between my phonecase to make sure my sister wouldn’t find it, and then at times when i couldn’t handle it at work anymore i felt like cutting and my ankles were easily accesible and weren’t to visible so then that happened. This went on for e few weeks like this where the selfharm alone was enough but after a while i needed more to be completely numb and i started taking my sleeping pills again, but always mixed them with alcohol which resulted in me being pretty knocked out every night. But then again after a while this wasn’t enough anymore and i upped my pill intake, a few weeks into this mess i tried to overdose but just ended up completely numb, puking my guts out and a complete blackout, I took an entire strip of sleeping pills, mixed with champagne, some anti-depressants and a lot of painkillers, this makes just made me vomit and blackout. After this i started to realise how dangarous it was what i was doing and that i had a lot of people around me that actually cared about me so i stopped taking sleeping pills and tried to stop cutting.
Since my overdose i haven’t touched my sleeping pills again but the cutting has been really hard to stay away from. When i met my boyfriend i stopped again and i was clean for 4 months again which was quite an accomplishment but then due to some personal issues i relapsed again during a few weeks. Then again i stopped but relapsed again just a few days ago.
My goal off course is to stop completly with selfharming and i’m hoping that writing on my blog about this will help me and maybe other people who struggle with the same things. In the future i’ll start writing my progress and my ways of coping with the urges i have. Anyone that is reading this, just know that you’re not alone and that you can get out of this selfdistructive behaviour it will just take time.