Dealing with selfharm

Another part of who i am is my history with selfharm. I’ve been dealing with selfharm ever since i got raped by my first ex boyfriend when i was 15. I didn’t feel like i was ready for sex yet but he did apparantly, i never openly talked about this so writing it on here is a big step even though no one will probably read it.

So anyway, after that happened i broke up with him but he had always made me feel as if it was my own fault and as if i asked for it with how i looked and the way i dressed. Keep in mind that this was after i was already dealing with my eating disorder which i briefly discussed in my last post. He had always made me feel that i was the one to blame for this and i started believing it myself, to this day i still haven’t talked to anyone but one person about this. After he had me believing that it was all my fault i started hating myself even more and i started looking for ways to get the pain i felt out of my head, i hated the mental struggles that came with it. This all resulted in me starting to bruise myself on purpose, i’d purposely fall down the stairs, or i’d just pich myself till it started to get bruised. After a while this wasn’t enough anymore and i started scratching myself till i bled until this ressorted in me grabbing blades to cut myself.

I always used to cut on my legs, really high up so you couldn’t see it even if i’d wear shorts or a skirt. When i first started when i was 15 they were really tiny cuts that barely bled. Once i got with my last ex i stopped with both bad habits and everything was okay for the next 4 years until my dad died. In that period i also got a tattoo in honor of me stopping my selfharm. Once my dad died the urges to start cutting again came back and i dealt with it by getting another tattoo in honour of him, i’ll talk about him in another upcoming post. After i broke up with my ex i spiraled down again into a really black pair of months. During about 4 months i started cutting again and way worse than in the beginning, at first i just cut on my legs but that later evolved into me also cutting on my arms and ankles.

So at first i just cut on my legs, but off course the more i cut the less it was doing for me, or at at least it didn’t on my legs anymore which is why i started cutting on my arms at first. One night i was cutting my legs and it was quite a deep one and i just loved the way the blood looked while it was seeping down. But it also scared me because i barely felt it, so i suddenly decided to switch onto my arms at first just a few small ones on my wrist, then i moved up my arms and made some deeper ones which are still visible up to this day, almost 6 months later. My ankles came after that, i started hiding my blade between my phonecase to make sure my sister wouldn’t find it, and then at times when i couldn’t handle it at work anymore i felt like cutting and my ankles were easily accesible and weren’t to visible so then that happened. This went on for e few weeks like this where the selfharm alone was enough but after a while i needed more to be completely numb and i started taking my sleeping pills again, but always mixed them with alcohol which resulted in me being pretty knocked out every night. But then again after a while this wasn’t enough anymore and i upped my pill intake, a few weeks into this mess i tried to overdose but just ended up completely numb, puking my guts out and a complete blackout, I took an entire strip of sleeping pills, mixed with champagne, some anti-depressants and a lot of painkillers, this makes just made me vomit and blackout. After this i started to realise how dangarous it was what i was doing and that i had a lot of people around me that actually cared about me so i stopped taking sleeping pills and tried to stop cutting.

Since my overdose i haven’t touched my sleeping pills again but the cutting has been really hard to stay away from. When i met my boyfriend i stopped again and i was clean for 4 months again which was quite an accomplishment but then due to some personal issues i relapsed again during a few weeks. Then again i stopped but relapsed again just a few days ago.

My goal off course is to stop completly with selfharming and i’m hoping that writing on my blog about this will help me and maybe other people who struggle with the same things. In the future i’ll start writing my progress and my ways of coping with the urges i have. Anyone that is reading this, just know that you’re not alone and that you can get out of this selfdistructive behaviour it will just take time.

My ED story

I’ll start with a little backstory on myself. I was a perfectly normal teenager till i was about 15, then after i changed school something changed. I noticed all the popular kids on my new school were a lot skinnier than i was, so i started looking after what i ate. In the beginning it was just making sure i didn’t eat as much candy anymore, but after a while i started obsessing over calories. This was the beginning of everything.

I started looking into how many calories you coul eat on a day, how many calories were in everything i ate, what foods were “safe foods”, what drinks were “safe”. Overall i was getting obsessed.

Breakfast was easy to avoid, so that was the first meal i started skipping. I just told my dad i’d eat something at school, at school i said i ate at home. For lunch in the beginning of the year i ate whatever sandwiches my dad gave me, but after a month or two i started throwing those out and i just lived on chewing gum and espresso. For dinner it was harder to escape seeing as i was at the table with my dad and i couldn’t possibly say i wasnt hungry every night, which is where a new problem started.

Seeing as i couldn’t get out of dinner i started throwing up right after i ate, so at least i didn’t feel as full. At first it was just a few times that i did it but soon it became a habbit of doing it after every meal. In just a month time i lost 10 kilo’s thanks to all the unhealthy ”dieting”. After a whil my dad started noticing i changed and i was him cry for one of the first moments i ever saw in my life. I only saw him cry 2 after that, the day he said he had cancer and the day he died.

Seeing has he noticed i had lost weight, and realising how worried ge was i started eating again and i got back on my normal weight but i wasn’t okay. Instead of starving myself or purging i found an other way of coping with my low self-esteem which was self harm. That went on for about a year till i got together with my ex and i stopped selfharm for the upcoming 6 years. Once i broke up with him i relapsed big time.

I was after a while able to step away from the selfharm even though i still struggle with it sometimes. Recently my bulimia came back and to this day i’m still struggling with it. I started seeing a dietitian so she could help me on the right track in a health way, i’ll post updates on my blogs about good and bad days.

A complete guide to choosing your camera

In this post I’m going to explain the differences between cameras en which one is best for what use. If at the end you still have some questions don’t hesitate to ask me. I’m also going to explain a bit about all the different media in which you can present your pictures.

So first of all how to choose your camera

If you decide to buy your first camera chances are you don’t know what to buy, but you probably think you need to buy a big ass camera to be able to do everything. But you probably don’t know about all the other options that are out there.

The first thing to do is to think about what the most important thing is for you. Whether it is the quality, if it is easy to use, the zoom or if it is for the lenses. You always need to take into account that no matter what kind of camera you are looking at there will always be high, middle and low-end.

Reflex cameras

I’m going to start with what is probably ons of the best known and probably one of the biggest groups, the reflex camera’s. These are mostly known and almost always seen as professional cameras. But as i said earlier there are always different classes. In this case it mostly depends on your budget but also if you actually see a professional future later on. If you do you probably wont’ look into my blog because I’m mostly going to focus on more of the amateur side of it. So the low-end cameras are more for the first time buyers or people who really want a reflex but know they won’t use it a lot.

Low-end

In this class you have different brands who make em. These brands will come back in every class. So the biggest brands are off course Nikon and Canon, Sony is a bit the underdog of this group. I’m going to state per brand the best camera’s in this class.

Nikon

So i myself used to be a Nikon owner i had the D3100 the only reason i changed is because it was dated. Nikon in the meantime is already at the D3400 which has a better quality, some more options, a higher iso and wi-fi and bluetooth on the camera. These options make it easier to share your pictures right away on your social medias.

They also have the D5600 which is a bit higher end than the 3400 but is still considered low-end. The difference between these two is that the D5600 has a rotatable screen which is easier to tak selfies and even, for small people like me, to take pictures quite high while still be able to see what you’re photographing. The rest of the specifications are similar and don’t really change.

Canon

Canon has the 1300D and the 750D in this segment. They are quite similar tho the Nikon ones and also perform the same. The biggest difference between nikon and canon is that Nikon is more made for photos and canon more for filming the focus is going to be faster on a nikon which is great for photos but when you film and try to focus it looks quite amateur even with a high-end camera.

Sony

Sony has the alpha 58 and the alpha 68, at the moment i have the alpha 68. The alpha 58 again is like the others i have talked about until now, but the alpha 68 is of a higher level for the same price. It will focus faster, the body itself is made like the middle-end cameras of canon and Nikon, which makes using it a higher pace a lot easier than with the past two. This is also the reason why i bought this one, if you are wondering why i bought this camera and not a high-end the answer is quite simple, i don’t have the money for a high end. The only thing the Sony ones are missing is built-in wi-fi.

Middle-end

Nikon

In this segment they have the D7500 which is the latest one in their semi-pro class. The difference with this one is that the body itself is more manageable but also quite a lot bigger. It is going to focus a lot faster and a lot more fluid as well. It is also going to Improve on quality even though the pixels don’t change

Canon

Canon has the 80D which again is quite similar tot this segments Nikon they always stay on the same level.

Sony

Alpha 77 is also quite similar, it has wi-fi, rotatable screen and faster than the other two.

High-end

Nikon and canon stay the leaders in the high-end segment, that’s the reason I’m not going to divide them here. Sony has some great cameras in this segment as well but not quite at the same level. All the cameras in this segment are called Full frame camera’s, if you want to know more about this wait till my next post where i will explain the basics about photography.

End result reflex

You probably noticed that i speak very highly about Sony, which is still often seen as the underdog. That is first of all because i have one myself, secondly i work in the photography aisle in a quite big store in belgium called mediamarkt, which literally translates to media store.

Compact

The compacts are together with what I see in the store the two best known types. But it is also known as a bad quality and worse than smart phone, which is in the low-priced at around 50-100 euros the case but those higher than that definitely not. In this segment the brand doesn’t change much so I’m not going to segment it even more.

Simple compact

In the simple ‘basic’ compacts you can almost say that no matter what you will go for they do the same. There are sometimes a few tiny little differences between brands but they are littaraly very small.

‘Premium’ compact

In the premium compacts nikon isn’t really a contender even it’s mostly a ‘fight’ between Canon, Sony and panasonic. Again here it’s better to just look at the camera specifications and not the brand. It depends more on what you look for, like a bigger zoom or you want it as small as possible it all depends on that so don’t stare yourself blind on what brand you should buy.

Bridge

Bridge camera’s are like the compats but on a larger scale with a way bigger zoom. Here the same principle count as in the previous segment don’t look at the brands to much.

Hybride

This is going to be the main subject of the next post since it is worth a whole post af explanations since it is such an amazing segment with so many possibilities.

How to get organized

Getting organized isn’t an easy thing at least not for me. As much as i want everything to be clean and organized and pretty it just doesn’t stay that way. So the best ways to get it organized and keep it that way is going to be the main subject in this post.

Your house/ room

First things first doing it room by room

The way i got my house organized is by working every weekend on a different room and just cleaning and choosing a spot for everything on my own pace. because i know that if i would rush it in e few days it would be a mess because it wouldn’t be as good as i wanted it to be. If you would actually do it multiple room at a time you could possibly make an even bigger mess. The way i did was first of all to buy a few extra cabinets in almost every room of the house, because i had too much stuff for my storage space. So that’s a good thing to check out when you want to reorganize your house.

Your life

Once the house is done you can start on getting your life on track as well. An easy way to do that is with bullet journaling, this is lately been getting quite popular and has really helped me planning everything that has to get done.

Bullet journal

Starting a bullet journal doesn’t require a lot in theory. You could start with any notebook you have lying around and a pen or pencil. But as i have remarked on myself, with actual supplies i bought i was more motivated than with just regular things i had laying around. This post is not going to be about how to start a bullet journal, but a post about that will come in a near future with examples of my own bullet journal.

I’m going to post a more specific post about each room every upcoming sunday now since that is cleaning day here. i’m goinig to try to get a few series going if any of you few readers i have, have some requests or questions go ahead and ask me. you can contact me on my facebook, instagram, or my mail: larissa1750@hotmail.com

Cleaning hacks

Is anyone else as interest in hacks for well… Everything? Well i am anyways, and everytime i search fir hacks i come upon stupid things and the worst part is that i always want to try them and end up looking stupid for it. I’m gonna try in light of this blog that whenever i make these sort of hack posts i will try to nat make them stupid useless hack but actual usefull ones if they even exist. I don’t think anyone is reading this yet but if so leave a comment because i feel that i’m very bad at writing.